THE TRANSFORMATIVE POWER OF THANKSGIVING

            This one has to be about Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. Though it wasn’t my favorite back when I was more of a bah humbug kind of a guy. Fortunately, that was then.

Of all the things I have to be grateful for, I am especially grateful for my deepening sense of gratitude.

I am thankful that I am thankful.

I am not trying to be cute here. I know too well the self-inflicted misery of an attitude of not enough in the midst of plenty.

So often we think if we just had that then we would be happy, and then we would have something to be grateful for.

But it’s gratitude that opens the door to happiness, not the other way around. Gratitude allows happiness to find us.

 I, for one, have never found an end to my desires. What about you? And we all know what happens when we get what we want: often we want more, we want different. We get unhappy.

Gratitude breaks the unhappiness cycle.

Gratitude is an acceptance and an appreciation for things just as they are, including ourselves.

Gratitude is a sigh of relief. With gratitude you can feel your shoulders relax and your heart open.

“Thank you for everything.”

If we can say that and mean it, it’s like tasting the timeless beauty and perfection of the world as it is, right here, right now, even if just for a moment.

It’s pretty cool. And pretty profound.

It opens you to the possibilities of your life as it is. It makes you happy to be who you are, where you are.

And it’s a choice. Gratitude is a choice. Either it’s a gift we choose to give ourselves and those around us, or it’s something we choose to withhold.

Nothing can make us grateful, except ourselves. It’s up to us.

We could make a case for gratitude. We could list all the things you have to be grateful for, like your eyes—if you are blessed to have eyes that work reasonably well—but the blind often do very well, and are quite happy, without being able to see. Thank you very much. Paraplegics and even quadriplegics often do well, even with their physical limitations.

Yet others are unhappy without these challenges, like I can be.

So, once again, we see that gratitude is a choice. It doesn’t depend on our circumstances. It depends on us.

Grateful? Ungrateful?

You choose. Right here, right now. What’s it going to be? 

Like everything else, you learn gratitude by practicing. Every day, you practice. Sound familiar?

You find yourself going negative fast? You reach for a little gratitude.

Crap hits the fan? You look up, take a breath, and give thanks for the blue sky and the white clouds. You give thanks you’re still standing. You give thanks you can still remember your name.

If someone is really mean and miserable, you give thanks that you are not always around people like that.

And you power on.

You can repeat simple affirmations.

“May my heart be filled with gratitude for my life.”

You can take gratitude breaks throughout the day just because you want to.

I’m grateful for my kids. I’m grateful for my job. I’m grateful that woman smiled. 

I give thanks for love.

I give thanks for this remarkable planet.

I give thanks, even for my struggles, because they give me something to push against.

I give thanks for the food I will eat today, for the people I will get to talk with, for the chair I will sit in, and I wish for others all the comforts and satisfactions I have.

And I give thanks for the holiday of Thanksgiving which celebrates one of the most powerful and transformative gifts I can give to myself and those I love, the gift of gratitude.

Enjoy. Give thanks. And spread the wealth.

            Namaste.

IS GOD IN THE DETAILS OR NOT?

Fortunately for me, I do not read Details, the men’s magazine. No offense, but within sixty seconds of opening a recent copy I experienced a sinking feeling in my stomach--which I realized, by the way, was much too large.

How could I possibly get my hands on one of those $965 shirts, and the killer abs to go with it?

I’m not saying Details did it on purpose, but in a recent blog, the marketer, Seth Godin, told us dissatisfaction sells.

And he should know.

Normally, I’m not this crazy, but Details with its good-looking, successful, creative, powerful guys, made me feel dissatisfied with myself, my life, my looks, my house, my ass, and my watch—even though the damn thing is an Omega that will live longer than I will.

I exaggerate, but not by much. For a very long 15 seconds it was true, until I caught myself and became mindful of what was happening. Then I was able to breathe normally. I haven’t always been so lucky. Comparison, image, and ambition have conspired at times to make me truly miserable for days. Or made me do very foolish things.

We all have our Details. Maybe for you it’s the neighbor’s three-year-old kid who’s learning to speak Mandarin, his third language, or the guy who wrote the great novel, or the woman with the real estate portfolio and the great figure.

Or maybe it’s Gandhi who makes you feel like a loser.

Whoever and whatever it is, when it comes you have to pay attention. Your dissatisfaction will make you want something. Ask yourself the tough questions. What did Gandhi or Details stir up in you? Is your dissatisfaction making you want something that is in alignment with your deepest intentions? Go to the root.

My friend Howard Schiffer started Vitamin Angels because he was dissatisfied with kids going blind from not having enough Vitamin A. Howard has been so dissatisfied and so effective at getting other people to be dissatisfied that his organization helps over 20 million kids a year.

His next goal looks like 30 million kids.

Clearly, dissatisfaction is not always bad. It can drive you to do great things, but you have to dig for what it is you really want.

Otherwise, you may just end up with a ridiculously expensive shirt.

THERE MAY BE NO TRAFFIC JAM IN YOUR SOUL

You’ve decided on something you want in your life, but you have had a hard time making it happen.

             Let’s say, for example, you want a significant other in your life, but you don’t have one. You’ve gone deep into why you want this by asking question after question dealing with things like loneliness, sexual desire, fulfillment, self-esteem, friendship, security, children, stability, fun, companionship, laziness, and so on. You have come to a deep, satisfying place of knowing why you want a life partner and what you are willing to do to have one.

Now you need to look at counter-intentions, intentions of which you may not be aware, intentions which may be keeping you from getting what you want.

You ask yourself the possibly difficult question, “Why do I not want a significant other in my life? Given that I do not have one, this may be a manifestation of my strongest intentions. What might those intentions be?”

And off you go, deeper and deeper with each question. You are not looking for causes that are not under your control that can get you off the hook. You’re mining for the places where not having a partner is exactly what you want.

You may find, for example, that you feel you will not find someone, or that you do not deserve someone, or that if you do find someone, it won’t work out. You do not want to run the risk of sticking your heart out and having it broken. But keep going deeper. Ask yourself seemingly stupid questions like, why do I not want my heart broken? What will happen if my heart is broken? What is my alternative? Is my heart broken already? Am I broken? If so, what can I do to fix things? And so on.

If you do a good job, are honest and go deep, you will come to a place that once again feels like you are getting to solid ground. It may be a hard journey.You may find places that are wounded, places where you have felt like giving up, or where you are ashamed. Look at those places in light of the essence of what you truly want, the essence you discovered when you delved into why you want a life partner. If you delved deep enough into why you want a life partner you will have touched something that has the power to heal your fear, your shame, or whatever it is that is keeping you from going for what you want. An awareness of your deep intention will give you the strength to move through your counter-intentions.

At this point, stop. Take in what you discovered from asking both sets of questions, the why and the why not. Let it all sink in, not just into your head but into your body and your heart. Don’t try to figure it out.

            Let your body take you for a walk. Breathe deeply. Sleep on it. Trust that something is at work like a seed planted in rich soil. Give it time, and you may be surprised by a new sense of clarity and energy that begins to flower, and that the possibility of what you really want is more alive in you than ever before.

WHY DO YOU WANT THAT?

Whenever you think about something you want in your life, consider asking yourself, “Why do you want that?”

Think of your want, wish, or goal as a leaf on a tree. You ask questions about what you want until you reach the roots. The roots are where you will find the deeper intention behind what you want.

I recently did this with my mom who is ninety.

“I want to have my kitchen cabinets refinished.”

“Why do you want to do that?”

Of course I explained in advance what we were doing, otherwise she would think I was just giving her a hard time, like I usually do.

 “Because it will make me happy.”

“Why will it make you happy?”

“Because they will be nice and clean and beautiful, and they will look good when my friends come by.”

“Will it make you happy that your friends will think your place is beautiful?”

“Yes, but it’s more about me. It makes me happy and grateful that I have a nice, clean home. I am grateful to God for my beautiful home.”

I was a little blown away at this point. My mom is a ninety-year-old Sicilian woman raised, as you might guess, as a Catholic. She’s always been a believer and a churchgoer, and her faith as she has gotten older has deepened, which often happens as people approach the end of their lives, and she has always liked beautiful things, but I was taken aback at how a beautiful home was such a portal to something deeper for my mom.

My mother’s deep intention behind painting her kitchen cabinets was beauty in her home and connection to the sacred. A beautiful home connects my mom in way that a walk on the beach, for example, might not.

Given that my mom now spends most of her days in her home, that's a deep intention. That’s a good reason to paint some kitchen cabinets.

So, what’s the intention behind what you want?

Ask yourself questions until you get to the roots. This can be tricky to do on your own. We’re often a little afraid to discover our deepest intentions. You may find you no longer want what you thought you wanted. So, you might want to try this with a friend, or a coach.

Next time I'll go into why your happiness and success may depend on connecting to your deepest intentions. 

If you live near Santa Barbara, Dana Drobny teaches an Adult Ed class on intention. She can be reached at lallidana@gmail.com. I can be reached at drjohnluca@gmail.com.