YOU CAN TOO MAKE NEW YEAR'S COMMITMENTS THAT WORK

             So, this is it, the end of 2010, and the beginning of 2011, but before we leap from one year into the next, let’s take a look back and see what our 2010 looks like. This is in preparation for 2011.

             Take some time to look over your year and list some of the good things you made happen.                 

             Oftentimes, we don’t do this and feel that we haven’t done much, or anything, but if you take the time to look, you will see that you did quite a bit.

             Did you go to the gym more often than in the past? Did you improve your golf game or your ability to bike long distances? Did you deepen your relationship with someone? Did you weather the financial storm of 2010 with a better attitude than you might have in the past? Did you take on a new job? Learn a new skill? Improve your diet? Your attitude? Your relationships? Your living situation? Did you stretch in any way? Reach out to someone or something new? Help anyone, including yourself and your family? Go on an adventure with the family? Take care of business, somehow? 

              How did you deliver in 2010?

              It’s important to not restrict yourself to only one area such as finances. Do not reduce yourself to homo economicus who tallies his or her life solely in terms of dollars and cents. Remember love, friendship, and mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. It may be helpful to review your year looking at the broad categories of career, finances, family, personal growth, leisure, adventure, legacy and charitable work.

              It can be a little scary to write down what you’ve done, because your critic wants to get in there and tell you how little you’ve actually done. But that’s the very reason to do it: to stop the critic in its tracks.            

              Oftentimes, we think the way to get ourselves to get anything done is to criticize ourselves, to whip ourselves like unwilling horses; we forget that a spoon of sugar and a carrot are often a better way to get any horse to do the right thing.

               So, give yourself the scary gift of listing some of what you’ve done this past year. Acknowledge yourself. (Which can also be scary.) Share it with a friend or family member. (Which can be even scarier.)

   I would be honored if you would share what you've done with me via email. As encouragement, I will list a dozen or so things that I helped make happen in 2010 that I am happy about and grateful for.

Started a blog and posted over 50 articles.

Secured a weekly online column at the Independent, and a different column at the Noozhawk.

I asked Lisa to marry me.

Sold off unprofitable real estate and solidified our financial position.

Started a second men’s group.

Worked with clients privately and in small workshops to help them live the lives they want.

Wrote a rough draft of a self-help book.

Meditated every day.

Went on a number of adventures with the family, including taking my 90-year-old mom to New York, and my son backpacking in the Sierras.

Finished another year of Somatic Experiencing training.

Attended workshops at UCLA and elsewhere.

Co-led two men’s retreats.

Was a good dad to my four children, a good friend, and a good partner.

 Now, it’s your turn. Make a list of a dozen things or so that you made happen in 2010 that you are happy about. Take in what you’ve done. Let yourself feel empowered by how you’ve lived this past year.       

Stay positive. Do not go into “yeah, but” mode where your critic wants to shower you with the dung of how you ‘should’ve, could’ve, and would’ve’ done better. The power of this exercise is to silence the critic and take in and be grateful for all that you’ve been able to do this past year.

That's part one.

Now, for the second part.

Let yourself feel the energy and satisfaction of what you’ve done this past year. Let it empower you. Now envision what the next year might hold in store for you. What would you like to make happen?

Oscar Wilde wrote, “New Year’s resolutions go in one year and out the other.”

We all know that so many of our resolutions go by the wayside, but it is also true that we are much more likely to do something if we commit to doing so. I, for example, meditated haphazardly for over thirty years, some days doing it, some days not. Sometimes a month would pass and I wouldn’t meditate. A little more than two years ago, before a group of men, I committed to meditating every day. I’ve done so ever since.

Making a commitment, especially to a group, can be very empowering. I made a commitment last year to two local papers to write at least two articles per week, and I’ve done so every week since then.

            What commitments do you want to make for the coming year? Do you want to exercise more? Do you want to reach out to others and deepen your relationships? Do you want to write, sing, dance, or play? Do you want to pray more? Apply for a new job? Learn a new skill? Practice gratitude and acceptance for things just as they are, including yourself?

Whatever it is, go for it.

            Here are some of mine:

I commit to finishing my book this year and sending it out to publishers and agents. 

I commit to finishing the classes for my fifth graduate degree.

I commit to hiking Evolution Basin next summer with Lisa.

I commit to deepening my relationship with my children by being there for them on a daily and weekly basis throughout the year, for example, by talking with them, texting them, visiting them, taking them to the library, playing games with them, and sharing meals with them.

I could go on, but that’s what I have the courage for right now.

What about you?

Go public with your commitments. I would appreciate it if you would send them to me. Think about your commitments carefully. You are committing to them. They are not just dreams, wishes, or nebulous goals. Be specific. Be realistic. Set time limits. Be thoughtful about your choices. You are saying you are going to do them. 

            If you are interested I am offering a workshop on Saturday, January 22^nd, 2011 for setting goals and making commitments for the year. We’ll explore what is at the root of your choices and expose any resistance you might be having. Research has shown that it takes about 10 weeks or so for people to get established in new habits or to change old ones, so I’m offering follow-up classes that will meet each week for ten weeks on Tuesday evenings from 5-6:30.

            So, list some of what you’ve done this past year, then stick your neck out and make some commitments for the coming year. Enjoy. And give thanks. And Happy New Year to You and Yours!

Namaste.
            I can be reached at drjohnluca@gmail.com or 805/680-5572

THEY SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY

Today is my oldest daughter’s birthday. Gianna is twenty-six. I’m proud of her. I’m proud of all my four children.

She’s working on her Ph.D. She’s a scientist. She loves lab work. 

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a scientist. Einstein was my hero. I wanted to be a physicist like him, studying the universe. I was a nerd. I had a lab in my basement. I competed in math competitions, and won both times. I dreamt of being the next Einstein.

But I never became a scientist. Just couldn’t pull it off. Didn’t even major in physics in college, or any other science. It was an unfulfilled dream that quietly gnawed at me over the years. Went back to school to get a masters in math, but didn’t go on for the doctorate. The unfulfilled dream at times became a festering wound that never fully healed.

I did teach high school math and physics. Some of my students went on to graduate school, and I did interview Walter Kohn, a Nobel Laureate, a physicist who won the award for his work in quantum chemistry. That was as far as I got.

            Now my oldest daughter is working on a doctorate in pharmacology. She researches compounds with possible applications to cancer treatment. I get to see my dream of becoming a scientist materialize in her as she does her work in Ann Arbor. 

And today is her birthday. She’s making her dream come true, a dream inspired by a gifted high school chemistry teacher.

But most dreams do not come true, at least not how we might have thought. I never became a scientist. I did not remain married to my daughter’s mom. My daughter’s life has been no different. She’s suffered her share of setbacks. Same thing was true for Einstein. Even he had his challenges, like his mentally ill son, and his strained relations with the people in his life. He struggled for over forty years to come up with a theory that would unify the forces of nature. He never succeeded. He was considered a bit of a flop by many younger physicists as he aged, though he’s not viewed that way now

            For a long time I was unhappy because I wanted my life to be a certain way. I wasn’t completely sure what it was, but I knew there was something missing and it made me unhappy. In Buddhism I would be classified as a grasping or greed type, always wanting more.

But I’ve learned. I learned to live more in the here and now, with what life offers, with the day-to-day. I’ve come to appreciate my life more than my idea of my life. Before I would argue with what is and miss it and not appreciate it. Now I see that the wonder of my life and my existence far exceeds any shortcomings I might imagine about my life. There is a hair’s breadth between me and Einstein compared to the distance between me being alive and me never having existed. The gift of life, whether mine or Einstein’s, is so staggeringly great and profound, that to lose sight of that gift by focusing on the differences between my life and his is like finding yourself at the most magnificent banquet table prepared by Merlin himself and wondering if your seat was as comfortable as the next guy’s.

You can indulge in that sort of thing if you insist, but it’s a sure recipe for unhappiness, even while in heaven. Now I know that some people suffer profoundly through no fault of their own, but that has not been my lot. Though I did my best, much of my suffering has been self-inflicted.

            And so, on my daughter’s birthday, my prayer for her and for all my children is not that they get the life they want, though I hope they do, but that they love the life they have.

THE VOICE OF ETERNITY

Something still isn’t working in your life. You ask yourself, why?

Many teachers would say how your life looks is a manifestation of your strongest intentions. Now, we have to be careful. Do we want to say that a person’s cancer is a manifestation of his deepest intentions? Or that she lost her job because that’s what she wanted?

I think not.

We do not want to ‘blame’ ourselves for the difficulties in our lives, though we may be committed to learning as much as we can about how best to live.

One might frame an illness or the loss of a job or whatever other hardships come our way as opportunities for us to learn. We do all we can to see how me might be responsible, for in doing so we claim whatever dominion we might have over the problems in our lives. In this way we do not forfeit any of our power. And yet, there is only so much we can do.

Suffering, loss, and disappointment are unavoidable. We seem to want one thing, but the universe seems to want something else. What are we to make of these in light of our deepest intentions for ourselves? If I allow that my life has meaning and that maybe all of existence has meaning, though that meaning is unfathomable to me in its entirety, then I can ask, What is the deepest lesson for me to learn from this experience? What is the universe or God trying to teach me? 

In this way we open up to the possibility of an intention bigger than ourselves.

            Though we may never know for sure whether our lives have meaning, we can all live our lives in a way that is deeply meaningful to us. That’s what you are doing as you go deep into what you want, opening to the possibility that you are part of a meaning bigger than yourself, a meaning that will carry you through the hard times. You are opening to the possibility that though you may be here on sealed orders, orders you will never fully comprehend, you are here for a good reason, even when things don't go as you had wished.

“Affliction is able to drown out every earthly voice...but the voice of eternity within a man [or a woman] it cannot drown." Kierkegaard

THERE MAY BE NO TRAFFIC JAM IN YOUR SOUL

You’ve decided on something you want in your life, but you have had a hard time making it happen.

             Let’s say, for example, you want a significant other in your life, but you don’t have one. You’ve gone deep into why you want this by asking question after question dealing with things like loneliness, sexual desire, fulfillment, self-esteem, friendship, security, children, stability, fun, companionship, laziness, and so on. You have come to a deep, satisfying place of knowing why you want a life partner and what you are willing to do to have one.

Now you need to look at counter-intentions, intentions of which you may not be aware, intentions which may be keeping you from getting what you want.

You ask yourself the possibly difficult question, “Why do I not want a significant other in my life? Given that I do not have one, this may be a manifestation of my strongest intentions. What might those intentions be?”

And off you go, deeper and deeper with each question. You are not looking for causes that are not under your control that can get you off the hook. You’re mining for the places where not having a partner is exactly what you want.

You may find, for example, that you feel you will not find someone, or that you do not deserve someone, or that if you do find someone, it won’t work out. You do not want to run the risk of sticking your heart out and having it broken. But keep going deeper. Ask yourself seemingly stupid questions like, why do I not want my heart broken? What will happen if my heart is broken? What is my alternative? Is my heart broken already? Am I broken? If so, what can I do to fix things? And so on.

If you do a good job, are honest and go deep, you will come to a place that once again feels like you are getting to solid ground. It may be a hard journey.You may find places that are wounded, places where you have felt like giving up, or where you are ashamed. Look at those places in light of the essence of what you truly want, the essence you discovered when you delved into why you want a life partner. If you delved deep enough into why you want a life partner you will have touched something that has the power to heal your fear, your shame, or whatever it is that is keeping you from going for what you want. An awareness of your deep intention will give you the strength to move through your counter-intentions.

At this point, stop. Take in what you discovered from asking both sets of questions, the why and the why not. Let it all sink in, not just into your head but into your body and your heart. Don’t try to figure it out.

            Let your body take you for a walk. Breathe deeply. Sleep on it. Trust that something is at work like a seed planted in rich soil. Give it time, and you may be surprised by a new sense of clarity and energy that begins to flower, and that the possibility of what you really want is more alive in you than ever before.

How Do You Talk to A Genius?

We all talk to ourselves all day long and often throughout the night. Sometimes, we’re beating ourselves. Sometimes we’re talking nicely. In either case, our self-talk is often a way of coaching ourselves so we can get what we want out of life.

But are we doing a good job?

We know we need to watch the negative stuff, and that’s hard enough.

But what about the good stuff we say to ourselves? 

We may set goals and repeat positive affirmations.

 “I will master the guitar during the next year.”

“I will find the love of my life.”

Maybe we read that affirmations work better if we put them in the present tense.

 “I have found the love of my life and am masterfully playing the guitar.”

Present tense and efficient.

            But can we do better? Research, new and old, suggests we can.

University of Illinois researchers found that, “Will I master the guitar during the next year?” is much more powerful and successful than, “I will master the guitar during the next year.”

“Will I find the love of my life?” is better than, “I will find the love of my life.”

The questions open deeper levels of possibility and commitment in test subjects, while the “I will” statements bring up resistance and guilt.

           

            Buddhist prayers, or affirmations, often begin with “may”. “May my heart be filled with loving kindness.”

It’s not exactly a question, but it’s close, and it has a very different feel from, “My heart is filled with loving kindness.”

The question is expansive and open to something bigger than us.

“Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.”

Again, it’s not a question. There is faith in it, but it is a request, a deep form of asking.

            Genius. Genie. God. Maybe you can get what you want out of life, but you’ll have a better chance if you know how to ask. And how to work your butt off.