THIS HOLIDAY SEASON GIVE US THE GIFT OF YOU

So it’s Christmas time, Hanukah time, the Holiday Season, a time of giving and receiving brightly wrapped gifts with ribbons and bows, all sorts of gifts from large to small, mundane gifts like screwdrivers and exotic gifts like $100 an ounce truffles, but what about giving the gift of yourself?

As we get older, for many of us, that seems harder and harder to do. Over time we seem to hold back more and more. We seem to close up and harden. Oftentimes, this process of closing up and fitting in begins when we’re in school, and continues throughout our work life where we think we need to keep ourselves in line, fit in and do our work so our employers, colleagues, customers and clients will be happy with us, and we’ll get paid. As the years go by we play it safer and safer all the time.

Not all of us, but most of us, hold back one or another of our gifts. We withhold our love, or our passion, or our enthusiasm, or our ideas, or our smile, or our laughter, or our creativity and artistry, our commitment, or our dreams.

How many of us consider ourselves artists by the time we’re fifty, and who wasn’t an artist in kindergarten? How much of ourselves we give up as the years go by if we’re not careful. How many of our gifts lie dormant within us waiting to be shared?

My idea, this Holiday Season, is to begin to share your gifts more and more throughout the year.          

“What,” you may be asking, “is he talking about? What gifts?”

And that’s where you begin. You need to ask yourself some questions and consider their answers seriously.

What are my gifts? How do I share them? How do I hold them back?

Why? Am I afraid? Too tired? Too unemployed? Too serious?

What price have I paid for not sharing my gifts?

How can I share my gifts more fully?

Will I?

Before you can give your gifts to anyone else, you have to give them to yourself. You have to own the fact that you have gifts worth giving and that you want to give them.

And this can be hard.

“I have no gifts,” you might be saying, “and even if I did, why would I share them with you or anyone else? Bah, humbug.”

If you feel this way, and we all do to some extent, there’s probably a reason. Things didn’t go as you had planned. Something was taken from you. Someone laughed or tossed aside some part of you that you offered as a gift, so you closed up shop.

“That hurt. I’m not doing that again. Thank you, very much.”

With each of life’s cuts we scar a bit and close up more. In the process we lose sight of our gifts, of who we are and what we have to offer. We withhold our gifts and we suffer. We start to become more like Scrooge, and less like ourselves.

Dylan wrote, “He who is not busy being born is busy dying.”

One way we die is by withholding our gifts. Giving of ourselves keeps us young and alive. As we birth our next gift, we give birth to ourselves.

You may be saying this guy is smoking dope or something stronger, but check it out. Who’s alive and who’s dead? The givers or the horders? The generous souls or the misers?

Look at where you are dying. There’s probably a gift you are withholding, or feel unable to give.

That’s it, you might say. It’s not that I don’t want to give it, but I don’t have anyone to receive it. Or I don’t know how to give it. Or if I put it out there, I might not be recognized for it. Worse still, they might laugh and reject it. It might not be good enough. 

No one said it was going to be easy, but what’s your alternative? Are you going to figure out a way to share your gifts, or are you going to withhold them? Are you going to be busy being born, or busy dying?

Often, it’s our dreams we withhold the most, because that’s where we can really hurt. Better forget about dreams, but our buried dreams can be seen in the lines on our faces, and in our tired bodies. No one sees them better than our children and others who love us, and often they carry much of the weight. And this weight can seem heavier during this Holiday Season than at any other time. 

In the real world many dreams do not come true, at least not how you first dreamt them, but that doesn’t mean you need to have no dreams, no hope, and nothing new. You mature and learn to work with what you have. Your dreams of singing on Broadway turn into the reality of singing at a local senior citizen’s home. Your dreams of writing the great American novel become the blog you write. Your dreams of becoming the next Jacques Cousteau become your weekend walks on the beach exploring the tidepools with your kids, and volunteering at the Sea Center.

You don’t shrivel up, you rave on, where and how you can. You don’t just look for the work that is your passion; you bring your passion to your work wherever you work. You show up like an artist at the restaurant where you cook, and people can feel it and come back. You run plumbing lines that would make Michelangelo proud.

At work and at play, (There might not be a significant difference for the most successful amongst us.) the happiest and most successful people are those who show up and share their gifts most fully. This is true whether you’re a lawyer, plumber, builder, teacher, real estate agent, restauranteur, winemaker, artist, or stockbroker.

It’s harsh, but death is coming. Do you want it to come sooner or later?

You have to choose. You have to do the hard work of putting yourself fully into your life as best you can.

Remember, it’s gifts you are giving. It’s not about you. It’s about something or someone outside youself.

We all have gifts to give. We can smile. We can care. We can listen. We can encourage. We can love. We can create. We can help. We can praise. We can share. We can support. We can acknowledge. We can ask. We can teach. We can learn. We can give. We can receive. We can sing. We can lead. We can follow. We can be open. We can hold. We can envision. We can celebrate. We can create. We can dance. We can design. We can cook. We can offer excellent service. We can mean it. We can do our best. We can forgive. We can remember.

We really can do all these things and infinitely more.

So, it’s Christmas, it’s Hanukah, it’s the Festival of Lights, it’s the Holiday Season. Give what really matters. Come home to yourself. Celebrate the gifts you find there, and then share with the rest of us.

             Happy Holidays.
             I can be reached at drjohnluca@gmail.com and 805/680-5572

THE TRANSFORMATIVE POWER OF THANKSGIVING

            This one has to be about Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. Though it wasn’t my favorite back when I was more of a bah humbug kind of a guy. Fortunately, that was then.

Of all the things I have to be grateful for, I am especially grateful for my deepening sense of gratitude.

I am thankful that I am thankful.

I am not trying to be cute here. I know too well the self-inflicted misery of an attitude of not enough in the midst of plenty.

So often we think if we just had that then we would be happy, and then we would have something to be grateful for.

But it’s gratitude that opens the door to happiness, not the other way around. Gratitude allows happiness to find us.

 I, for one, have never found an end to my desires. What about you? And we all know what happens when we get what we want: often we want more, we want different. We get unhappy.

Gratitude breaks the unhappiness cycle.

Gratitude is an acceptance and an appreciation for things just as they are, including ourselves.

Gratitude is a sigh of relief. With gratitude you can feel your shoulders relax and your heart open.

“Thank you for everything.”

If we can say that and mean it, it’s like tasting the timeless beauty and perfection of the world as it is, right here, right now, even if just for a moment.

It’s pretty cool. And pretty profound.

It opens you to the possibilities of your life as it is. It makes you happy to be who you are, where you are.

And it’s a choice. Gratitude is a choice. Either it’s a gift we choose to give ourselves and those around us, or it’s something we choose to withhold.

Nothing can make us grateful, except ourselves. It’s up to us.

We could make a case for gratitude. We could list all the things you have to be grateful for, like your eyes—if you are blessed to have eyes that work reasonably well—but the blind often do very well, and are quite happy, without being able to see. Thank you very much. Paraplegics and even quadriplegics often do well, even with their physical limitations.

Yet others are unhappy without these challenges, like I can be.

So, once again, we see that gratitude is a choice. It doesn’t depend on our circumstances. It depends on us.

Grateful? Ungrateful?

You choose. Right here, right now. What’s it going to be? 

Like everything else, you learn gratitude by practicing. Every day, you practice. Sound familiar?

You find yourself going negative fast? You reach for a little gratitude.

Crap hits the fan? You look up, take a breath, and give thanks for the blue sky and the white clouds. You give thanks you’re still standing. You give thanks you can still remember your name.

If someone is really mean and miserable, you give thanks that you are not always around people like that.

And you power on.

You can repeat simple affirmations.

“May my heart be filled with gratitude for my life.”

You can take gratitude breaks throughout the day just because you want to.

I’m grateful for my kids. I’m grateful for my job. I’m grateful that woman smiled. 

I give thanks for love.

I give thanks for this remarkable planet.

I give thanks, even for my struggles, because they give me something to push against.

I give thanks for the food I will eat today, for the people I will get to talk with, for the chair I will sit in, and I wish for others all the comforts and satisfactions I have.

And I give thanks for the holiday of Thanksgiving which celebrates one of the most powerful and transformative gifts I can give to myself and those I love, the gift of gratitude.

Enjoy. Give thanks. And spread the wealth.

            Namaste.

IS GOD IN THE DETAILS OR NOT?

Fortunately for me, I do not read Details, the men’s magazine. No offense, but within sixty seconds of opening a recent copy I experienced a sinking feeling in my stomach--which I realized, by the way, was much too large.

How could I possibly get my hands on one of those $965 shirts, and the killer abs to go with it?

I’m not saying Details did it on purpose, but in a recent blog, the marketer, Seth Godin, told us dissatisfaction sells.

And he should know.

Normally, I’m not this crazy, but Details with its good-looking, successful, creative, powerful guys, made me feel dissatisfied with myself, my life, my looks, my house, my ass, and my watch—even though the damn thing is an Omega that will live longer than I will.

I exaggerate, but not by much. For a very long 15 seconds it was true, until I caught myself and became mindful of what was happening. Then I was able to breathe normally. I haven’t always been so lucky. Comparison, image, and ambition have conspired at times to make me truly miserable for days. Or made me do very foolish things.

We all have our Details. Maybe for you it’s the neighbor’s three-year-old kid who’s learning to speak Mandarin, his third language, or the guy who wrote the great novel, or the woman with the real estate portfolio and the great figure.

Or maybe it’s Gandhi who makes you feel like a loser.

Whoever and whatever it is, when it comes you have to pay attention. Your dissatisfaction will make you want something. Ask yourself the tough questions. What did Gandhi or Details stir up in you? Is your dissatisfaction making you want something that is in alignment with your deepest intentions? Go to the root.

My friend Howard Schiffer started Vitamin Angels because he was dissatisfied with kids going blind from not having enough Vitamin A. Howard has been so dissatisfied and so effective at getting other people to be dissatisfied that his organization helps over 20 million kids a year.

His next goal looks like 30 million kids.

Clearly, dissatisfaction is not always bad. It can drive you to do great things, but you have to dig for what it is you really want.

Otherwise, you may just end up with a ridiculously expensive shirt.