MUDWRESTLING IS NOT ALWAYS BEST

             Here’s some basic, but valuable, information from research by Smith, 2002, and Henderson, 2010, about how best to talk to one another, especially about the difficult stuff.

             I found some of this a bit surprising. 

When you are negotiating with someone even an intimate other, it’s best to sit across from each other and face one another. I kind of like side-by-side myself, when it’s with Lisa, my partner, but I guess that’s for when there’s no real disagreement to be resolved. If there’s a third person acting as mediator, the two people negotiating sit face-to-face and the mediator sits to the side. 

If you are hyperventilating and about to go nuclear, that is probably not the best time to begin a negotiation. Do what you must to calm down. A walk. A prayer. Some time alone.

You will get better results if you are negotiating about something that has more time rather than less before the change or new behavior will begin. So, it’s better to talk about and settle the details of that summer vacation months in advance, rather than the week before the vacation starts.

Negotiating face-to-face is better than on the phone or by email or text, BUT if you can’t do it face-to-face, then the further away you are from one another the better!

If you know you don’t have the nerve to break up face-to-face-- YOU COWARD! --are you  supposed to go to India and send a text to your jilted other back in California? Not sure what to make of that one, though it seems separation by space and/or time can help keep the emotional brain from becoming over-active.

            Listen, really listen, more than you speak. Yes, I know this sounds absolutely god-like, given the depths of the injustice you’ve suffered, but you can do it.

Look for the win-win rather than the me-me. Give a little to get a little, can often get both of you what you really want.

 A lot of us have been turned on to the power of “I” statements when we have difficulties to negotiate with others. We know that, “I feel unappreciated when I am asked to work late and no one says thanks afterwards,” works much better than, “You never, ever, appreciate anything I do around here, ever!”

            Start your sentences with “I” and share how you feel in response to what happened. And then state specifically what you want or need. “I feel disappointed and angry when you don’t show up for lunch. If you can’t make it, please call me at least two hours in advance to let me know. Thanks.”

Surprisingly, “I” statements come in handy even when you’re dishing out the good stuff like compliments. Turns out it’s a lot easier for most people to digest, “I like the way you cook,” rather than, “You are a good cook.” This is important, because hearing and taking in the good stuff makes it easier to hear the hard stuff.

            Of course, play fair. No attacking. “You are a flaming idiot,” is not a helpful way to begin a conversation.

No defending. “You know how busy I am at work!” is probably not a good opening response to why you did not show up at your wedding.

No hogging all the air. If your opponent drops to the ground because you have used up all the oxygen in the room that does not count as a win for your side.

And only one issue at a time, please. 

TAKING YOUR CLOTHES OFF

            Yesterday we talked about asking yourself deeper and deeper questions as to why you want something in your life. This could be simple, like my mother asking herself why she wanted to paint her kitchen cabinets ,or it could be something trickier like why you want a life partner, a new career, or a child.

Gurumayi, from the Siddha Yoga lineage, talks about asking questions and “extracting the essence of your thoughts”, and then “crystallizing that essence into something worthy of manifestation.”

That sounds serious, serious about how to live fully and happily in accordance with your deepest values. 

Maybe it sounds too serious for you, but there’s nothing wrong with girls—or boys—who ‘just wanna` have fun’. No one is suggesting you not have fun. Fun is good. The Dalai Lama says the purpose of life is to be happy. We’re all about fun and happy, but you might want to ask yourself a few questions to begin to find the roots of your wish to have fun. You may end up being happier if you do.

Often, we get what we think we want and we are not happy. Why? Because we have not looked for our deep intention, so we either end up getting things that we did not truly want, or we get what we want, but we don’t recognize that we’ve gotten it.

Gurumayi, puts it this way, “If there is no clarity about your intention, you may be deprived of its fruits.”

Or to paraphrase Yogi Berra, “If you don’t know where you are going, you just might not know when you get there.”

            Why would we not acknowledge what we really want in our lives? Because it scares us. It exposes us. It’s like taking our clothes off and standing there naked for everyone to see.

It’s not for the faint of heart. But if you do it, you may find that you are not standing there by yourself naked. Surprising forces may gather at your side. Doors may open that you did not know existed.

As William Murray says in his book, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition, “[T]he moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. A whole stream of events issue from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen… assistance[.]”

So, not to fear, help is on the way, but you have to commit fully, and to commit fully, you have to know what you want and why.

Once again, my thanks to Dana Drobny, lallidana@gmail.com, of SB Adult Education who teaches a great course in clarifying intention.