You're Gonna Have to Serve Somebody

YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO SERVE SOMEBODY

Dylan sang it and wrote it and in his way he tries to live it.  His song, You’re Gonna Have to Serve Somebody, probably has roots that go as far back as the Bible.

You have to serve somebody, even if all you think you’re serving are your own appetites and needs. Even if you’re a bank robber, you’re serving somebody. And if you’re the Ben Affleck character in Town, who is a bank robber, you end up serving somebody other than yourself, anyway, if you’re lucky.

And why not?

What at first may seem like a command, a stricture you have to follow, like taking bitter medicine, probably distasteful at first, but ‘good’ for you in the long run, “You’ve got to serve somebody,” actually offers insightful advice, a brilliant piece of coaching that if implemented in the right spirit can open up the world and make you feel more alive, connected, present, valuable, successful, and yes, even happy.

We are connection-seeking beings, almost every one of us. Connections, solid, deep, and caring have been shown to help a man or woman lead a longer and happier life.

So why not serve and be connected?

Well, you might say, I do that already. I take care of my family. I love them. I guess I serve them and I’m grateful for it.

What about in your job?

What about in your parenting?

What about in your friendships?

What about in all your relationships?

What about when you’re at the checkout counter at Trader Joe’s?

Why not an attitude of service wherever you go and with whomever you’re with?

Of course, we have to be careful of being do-gooders. As Thoreau pointed out, do-gooders, those who consciously go out to do good, are often a pain in the butt. You have to be mindful of what you’re doing and why. But that needn’t stop you from exploring and opening up to a world beyond yourself, a world of other people, available to you when you let others in and consider how you might be of service to them.

Why not take to heart that, “You’re gonna have to serve somebody”?

Not as a doormat, not at the expense of your own needs, and happiness, but as a fulfillment of your purpose as a human being, and as a means to your own growth and happiness.

It seems, to be really happy, we need to be about more than just ourselves.

Me, Me, Me, turns out to be a rather small place to live. And it can get boring.

The more we serve, the bigger our world gets. The more connected we feel to those around us, the more alive we feel. This will be different for each of us. Some of us are more introverted than others, some of us love the grand stage, while others prefer the quiet grove.

No matter. We each have our world and our place to contribute and connect, our place of service. We can serve many who we do not even meet, at least not in person, by our writing, for example. Dylan, though he’s been on tour forever, is, I am told, a rather shy and almost reclusive man when not performing. An acquaintance once met him at a party in Malibu where he lives. Dylan barely spoke a word. And yet his words have served millions.

Dylan believes in music and in songs, the songs that carry the truth of times past and times present. The songs, and he knows more of them probably than any person alive, are his gospel, his sacred texts that tell him about life, love, loss, and the hope of salvation. That’s what he serves, that truth, and the part that he can play in keeping those songs and those timeless truths alive by recording, and performing year after year. He’s serving something larger, something outside himself, something beyond the songs. He must care about people, the people who may hear the songs and may learn from them, and find some truth in them and some comfort.

Bob Marley was the same. He sang his heart out for liberation, for equality, for a life of possibility and hope. During his last concert when he was dying of cancer and he sang, “No Woman, Don’t Cry,” he wasn’t just mouthing words, but living what he believed and what he stood for. Everyone in his band knew he was near the end and that he probably should not be on stage working so hard, but Bob Marley knew, like Bob Dylan knows, that you’ve got to serve somebody. And Marley did so happily, with all his soul, so he could die complete at the age of 36.

            I’m in real estate, not a very sexy profession compared to being Bob Dylan or Bob Marley, but it’s the primary way I pay my bills. Up till very recently I compartmentalized it from much of my life and much of who I am. I loved the people. I often love the houses. But somehow I tainted the whole thing because I thought I was doing it for me, because I needed the money. Which was true, but only partly true. It was also true that I genuinely enjoyed the clients, even the difficult ones. I have a playwright’s heart and can love even challenging characters. Yet I was missing something. I was looking at the whole thing slightly in the wrong way.

I realized that I had been looking at my life in slightly the ‘wrong’ way for too long. I was coming from the position of ‘it’s about me’. I often still do, but I’m trying to get better at it.

You might say that’s very convenient, to look at your work as serving others, while it serves you as well. It even sounds a bit Machiavellian, where you make your deeds look like good ones, while the whole time you’re lining your own pockets.

Some people question whether we can truly be altruistic. They say that our good deeds benefit us and that’s the real reason we do them, not to help others, but to help ourselves.

Maybe that’s true, but I’m certain that the happiest people are those who are connected to others and truly do their best to help them. My ninety-year-old mom has a mailman like that. He serves all day long. For years he’s been bringing the mail up the stairs to my mother’s door. He brings her stamps when she needs them. He takes her packages to the post office, puts postage on them, and collects from her the next day. I think he’s the happiest mail person I’ve ever met. And it’s because he serves.

Or does he serve because he’s happy?

I think the service comes first and the happiness follows.

It’s a worthwhile experiment either way. Try serving others a bit more rather than focusing too much on yourself and see how it feels. You may find that “you’re gonna have to serve somebody”, or some thing to be genuinely happy. It could be beauty you serve. It could be the earth. It could be peace. These things connect to people sooner or later. 

Try it out for yourself. See what it feels like. Open yourself up to the possibility of more and more service in your life. Think about what this means for a person in real estate, or a mail person, or a coach, or a nurse, or a teacher, or a police officer, or an electrician, or a mechanic.

In your interactions with others try holding an attitude of service.

“How can I help you?”

“What do you need?”

See what it feels like, and let us know.

I can be reached at drjohnluca@gmail.com or 680-5572.

I can be reached at drjohnluca@gmail.com 805/680-5572

THE POWER OF BEING VULNERABLE AND OPEN

Sometimes I feel like a sheep in wolf’s clothing. What I mean by that is sometimes I may give the wrong impression to people, people like you who read my work and people who work with me personally, and it may not be totally by accident.

I write this column you’re reading and another like it. I work with individuals who want to improve their lives. Some are doing fine and want coaching to do better. Some are struggling and want to learn skills to help them flourish, and find joy and success in their lives. I lead and co-lead groups. I love the work. I’m good at it.

           It’s easy for me to allow you to see that part because that part is strong. That part is societal accepted, encouraged and rewarded.

           We’re a society of doers, achievers, and winners. We succeed.

           Except of course, when we’re don’t. Which can be often. 

           Often there’s pain, discouragement, loneliness, fear, confusion, disappointment, and what we judge to be failure, but we want to come off as strong and unafraid, courageous, clear, and effective.

It’s often not easy to reveal oneself, to be honest and vulnerable, to show that side of us we want to hide. For some of us we may want to come as off as wolves, or lions (I’m a guy, remember.) and often we feel like sheep.

Others may come off as sheep, gentle and quiet, and hide a shadow of anger and upset.

Many of us are not good at being genuinely who we are. We hide, even from ourselves. Or at least we try. We feel that when we expose ourselves we open ourselves to pain, suffering and attack. We feel weak, vulnerable, and we don’t like it.

Maybe, at times, I’ve done that in these columns, hidden a bit, come off as knowing more than I do, as feeling more self-directed, contented, and successful than I often feel. The truth is I can struggle with uncertainty, fear, confusion, and moodiness with the best of them.

That’s what I meant by saying I sometimes feel like a sheep in wolf’s clothing. It’s easy for me to show the competent exterior, but it’s hard to allow others, even those close to me, to see my struggles. 

I am sharing this because part of the secret to happiness and joy is a sense of belonging, a sense of being worthy of love and connection. And almost paradoxically, what weaves us into a living fabric of connection, worthiness, and belonging is a willingness to being open, to being vulnerable, to being able to stick one’s neck out emotionally, and share the truth about ourselves.

Putting up a front of invulnerability, our attempt to protect ourselves, leaves us feeling isolated, fearful, and vulnerable, the exact opposite of the sense of security and wellbeing we were looking for in the first place.

One of the foundations of a happy, well-lived life is an underlying sense that “I am enough”, but for many of us that’s not so easy to come by. Many of us suffer daily from bouts of “I am not enough” and the pain is enormous. And it’s vulnerability, a willingness to be seen, even by ourselves, just as we are, that opens the door to accepting ourselves as we are and feeling that we are enough.

That’s why I wanted to come clean a bit in this article. I wanted and needed to take some of the medicine I have just described. I was starting to feel like I had to come off in a certain way, that in some respects I had to hide. I was feeling like I needed to know more than I did. I was feeling a bit like I was not enough. And I realized that feeling was coming from not saying certain things, things that were true for me but made me feel vulnerable by saying them, things like struggling, at times, with uncertainty, fear and moodiness.

And you know what? I feel a lot better. And I hope you realize that I would not have taken up your time with an article that I thought was simply about me. I shared about my own experience because how else could I reasonably ask you to share about your’s?

So, take a look at where you are hiding, at where you are coming off as knowing the answers you don’t really know. Take the time to begin to feel the feelings you may be denying.

Don’t think you are the only one who may be hiding, who is putting up a front and paying a heavy price for it.

Dr. Brene` Brown states we are the most obese, most in debt, most medicated cohort in US history.

Why do you think that might be?

And in the political arena, why do you think we’re slinging around so much blame and so much vitriol?

The more we attempt to make uncertain things certain, the more we try to have dead answers to living questions, the more invulnerable we try to feel, the more uncomfortable and disconnected and strident we get.

I hope I’m not coming off as judgmental, or that I’m falling into the very trap I’m describing, talking as if I know more than I do. Check it out for yourself. Notice how you feel, notice how your relationships go as you attempt to hide the truth about yourself, as you refuse to admit that you are afraid, or uncertain, or angry, or sad. See how well it works and whether you feel better afterwards.

To live life fully, you have to take risks and the biggest risk we take is with ourselves, the risk of offering who we are, freckles, warts, and all to the world. 

The poet e.e. cummings wrote:

To be nobody but yourself

 in a world

 which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else

 means to fight the hardest battle

which any human being can fight

 and never stop fighting.

           

So, go out and live your life, missteps, wrong turns and all. Be who you are.

And notice that often the well-intentioned person who is trying the hardest in some way to make you like everyone else is you.

Namaste.

I can be reached at 805-680-5572 or drjohnluca@gmail.com.